If I had to sum up the past 5 months, I could do it in one word. Change. And for someone who finds it difficult to break away from familiar patterns and routines, it’s been both a blessing and a challenge. A blessing because I wanted these changes. I asked for these new beginnings. A challenge because with change comes new discoveries, some of which can be unbelievably difficult.
When these changes started to happen, I began exhaling the word “finally” on a daily basis. I was so thankful that God was answering my prayers. Petitions that had been uttered for five to ten years were actually becoming a reality! I wasn’t even concerned about the logistics of everything. For me, the unknown brought with it a new found hope.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful for the way God has moved in my life. It’s just that I never anticipated how fiercely I would resist certain aspects of these changes. It’s like my comfort zone took a detour and I haven’t quite caught up with it, yet.
These past few months have been revealing. Ancient memories have surfaced, wanting to sit down and have coffee . Insecurities have stopped me in my tracks and asked me to take a survey. Humility has tapped me on the shoulder and politely requested that I give up my seat.
I can’t deny God’s timing and how wonderfully He has orchestrated everything. It’s just ironic how an answer to prayer can be the springboard for a whole new set of requests. I guess that’s the glory of change. It gives us the opportunity to grow and sometimes allows us to stitch up old wounds, in the process.
Dare to Decide
Last week, I pulled something out of our bookcase that has been resting quietly, undisturbed, for a couple of years. As is often the case, I opened the book and the words in Chapter 1 spoke to me in a way that I needed most. I thought I would share, since we find ourselves in a New Year and a new decade. Many hope to make some positive changes in their lives, during this season of hope and promise. I am one of those “many”. Here are a few excerpts from Chapter 1 of Provocations:
–to quietly make a decision. A decision joins us to the eternal. It brings what is eternal into time. A decision raises us with a shock from the slumber of monotony. A decision breaks the magic spell of custom. A decision breaks the long row of weary thoughts. A decision pronounces its blessing upon even the weakest beginning, as long as it is a real beginning. Decision is the awakening to the eternal.
Making decisions is often dangerous, or rather, talking about them is. Before you learn to walk you have to crawl on all fours; to try to fly right before walking is a dangerous set-up. Certainly there must be great decisions, but even in connection with them the important thing is to get under way with your decision. Do not fly so high with your decisions that you forget that a decision is but a beginning.
A road well begun is the battle half won. There is nothing more harmful for your soul than to hold back and not get moving.
Whoever remains faithful to his decision will realize that his whole life is a struggle. He knows full well that at decisive moments you have to renew your resolve again and again and that this alone makes good the decision and the decision good.
– Kierkegaard
A Morning Offering
I bless the night that nourished my heart
To set the ghosts of longing free
Into the flow and figure of dream
That went to harvest from the dark
Bread for the hunger no one sees.
All that is eternal in me
Welcomes the wonder of this day,
The field of brightness it creates
Offering time for each thing
To arise and illuminate.
I place on the altar of dawn
The quiet loyalty of breath,
The tent of thought where I shelter,
Waves of desire I am shore to
And all beauty drawn to the eye.
May my mind come alive today
To the invisible geography
That invites me to new frontiers,
To break the dead shell of yesterdays,
To risk being disturbed and changed.
May I have the courage today
To live the life that I would love,
To postpone my dream no longer
But do at last what I came here for
And waste my heart on fear no more.
– John O’Donohue
Those who overcome are infinitely more interesting than those who succumb.
Analysis
Larry has been asking me to update my blog for a couple of months, now. Apparently, he visits it frequently, hoping to discover something new. I just haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say. I suppose that’s not the point of a blog, though. The point is to share.
I’ve always felt this pressure, when it comes to writing. I used to spend hours on class papers during college, cross-referencing words and contemplating new ways of communicating my thoughts. The Thesaurus was my best friend. So much so that, when I look back on some of my assignments it’s sort of like an out-of-body experience. I think to myself, “did I really write that?” Unfortunately, I can not say the same thing about my journals. I look back on those and want to burn every single page because I did, indeed, write them.
Don’t get me started on emails…mainly, “work” emails. Sometimes, it takes me FOREVER to compose a few sentences. I need to make sure it sounds absolutely perfect and addresses every last detail. Simple enough, but I obsess over every single word, until I finally have the nerve to hit “send”. Does it really go back to my “t’s” and “d’s”?
My mom used to take classes in handwriting analysis, so she’s very sensitive to penmenship. Recently, she critiqued some of my notes and encouraged me to make some modifications in the way that I write my “t’s” and “d’s”.
Apparently, I do not cross my “t’s” high enough and my “d’s” have too big of a loop. Clearly, this means that I don’t have enough self-confidence and that I tend to be overly concerned with what other people think about me. The kicker is that she’s absolutely right. Granted, she knows me well enough to have observed these things on her own, but does my signature really give me away that easily? I have to wonder, if our posture (i.e. the way we carry ourselves) reflects our level of confidence, could our perspective also manifest itself in the loops and the curves of our handwriting?
As children, we are taught to sit up straight and walk with our heads held high. Even if we don’t have the energy (both physically and emotionally) to implement these habits, we are encouraged to do them anyway. When we act, “as if”, does the attitude really follow? It’s something I’m willing to consider.
I’m definitely more aware of my “t’s” and “d’s”. I guess this awareness reminds me of what I can be doing to work on my other issues. I have to confess, I have thrown away many a piece of paper where I’ve failed to pen my “t’s” and “d’s” in the proper way.
It may sound silly, but if writing is an extension of our personality, I wonder if we have more of an opportunity to “perfect” it, than we realize? If I am to become a whole person, shouldn’t every aspect of my being be working in sync? Just thought I’d share.
Ironic
Just something I came across and really needed to read today:
“Once you start to awaken, no one can ever claim you again for the old patterns. Now you realize how precious your time here is. You are no longer willing to squander your essence on undertakings that do not nourish your true self; your patience grows thin with tired talk and dead language. You see through the rosters of expectation which promise you safety and the confirmation of your outer identity. Now you are impatient for growth, willing to put yourself in the way of change. You want your work to become an expression of your gift. You want your relationship to voyage beyond the pallid frontiers to where the danger of transformation dwells. You want your God to be wild and to call you to where your destiny awaits. You have come out of Plato’s Cave of Images into the sunlight and the mystery of colour and imagination.”
– John O’Donohue
Spring
Spring is the season of surprise when we realize once again that despite our perennial doubts, winter’s darkness yields to light and winter’s deaths give rise to new life. So one metaphor for spring is “the flowering of paradox.” As spring’s wonders arise from winter’s hardships, we are invited to reflect on the many “both-ands” we must hold to live fully and well—and to become more confident that as creatures embedded in nature, we know in our bones how to hold them.
The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure; the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair; the deeper our love, the more pain its loss will bring: these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings. If we refuse to hold them in hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain, we also find ourselves living without faith, hope, and love. But in the spring we are reminded that human nature, like nature herself, can hold opposites together as paradoxes, resulting in a more capacious and generous life.
Parker Palmer – A Hidden Wholeness
A few weeks ago, I took a day off from work just to decompress. I’ve ended up with a few more vacation days than expected this year, so it’s use it or lose it time.
Whenever I have a day to myself, I really struggle with how to spend it. Usually, I end up cleaning or running errands and even though these things are necessary, they never end up being very much fun. So, on that cold and snowy Monday in January, I decided to enjoy my day off.
I had been feeling particularly overwhelmed with work and I just wanted to escape for a couple of hours. I drove up to Keystone Arts and lost myself in the most powerful movie I’ve seen in a long time, Rachel Getting Married. It’s definitely not a feel good movie, but it did make me feel… and deeply at that.
The movie revolves around the activities leading up to Rachel’s big day. There’s always a lot of emotion surrounding a wedding, but this particular family has a lot of baggage to sort through before the “I Do’s” are actually spoken.
The portrayal of the family members and the guests at the wedding is very realistic and everyone fits neatly into their role. There is the recovering addict (Kym – Anne Hathaway) who just wants to feel accepted and comfortable in her own skin, again. There is the normal sister (Rachel – Rosemarie DeWitt) who, for once in her life, would like a little attention directed her way. There is the emotional father (Paul – Bill Irwin) who desperately tries to keep everything and everyone together. There is the distant and repressed mother (Abby – Debra Winger) who does everything she can to avoid the past, the present and the future. And there are the peripheral characters who conjure up just as many feelings as the main role players do, in this film.
I found myself identifying with several individuals throughout the movie…so much so, that I could not help but think about my own family dynamic.
When we’re all thrown together for a big occasion and we’re not used to spending that much time together, how do we behave? Do we fall back into our roles as “daughter”, “sister” or “youngest”? Or do we walk out our personality as if we were in our own environment, with those we share our daily life with?
Having recently spent 4 days with my family in Colorado, I found that I do both. More times than not, I am only living out half of my personality, for fear of judgment or critique. I think sometimes we resist being “real” because we don’t want to rock the boat. We don’t want to drudge up all of the things that aren’t working within our immediate family because there simply isn’t enough time to fix everything. When you live half way across the country, you just want to enjoy your time together, and often times that means pretending that everything is okay. I wonder if things would be different if we all lived on the same block? Would we avoid touchy subjects like we do now? Would we filter our conversations like we do now?
If someone were to ask me how close my family is, I would say “pretty close”. Maybe that’s just another way of saying that I wish we were closer? I think the characters in this film wish they were closer, but it seems like life has gotten in the way of that.
I would definitely recommend this movie. Maybe your family is not at all like the one portrayed on the big screen, but I think the acting alone will draw you in. The camera work and the overall style of this movie will make you feel like you are part of the festivities and like most weddings there will be some laughter, a few tears and a whole lot of drama!
Steph
Behold
On December 19th, we made a trip up to Kokomo with our good friends, Angi and Brady, for the Behold the Lamb concert. It’s becoming a Christmas tradition of sorts, since this is the second year in a row that we’ve been able to attend. Next year, we’re hoping that we won’t have to travel as far and that the group will decide to perform in Indy.
If you haven’t heard of Behold the Lamb, it’s a Christmas musical written and composed by Andrew Peterson. It tells the story of redemption in 12 unique and powerful songs. What makes the concert even more enjoyable is that Peterson invites several of his Nashville friends to help him perform. The first half of the night is called “In the Round” where each musician performs two of their own songs. The second part all of the artist’s come together and perform the musical.
As you can see from the picture above, Bebo Norman was one of the artist’s in attendance. It’s a running joke that Brady has a huge man-crush on Bebo. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to meet Bebo. Angi and I did walk through the group of artists at one point by mistake, as they were getting ready to hit the stage, though! I think we both were caught a little off guard! Oh well, there’s always next year to try and capture a picture of Brady and Bebo…and I dare say, Larry and Andrew Peterson!
Everything
So, I’m a little out of the loop when it comes to YouTube videos. I only visit the site if someone forwards me an email that links to it. Usually, it’s Larry emailing me videos of crazy animals. A cat spinning around on a Roomba and a dog prancing around in the snow are his two recent finds. 🙂
Today, a friend and I were talking and she asked me if I ever watched the “Everything Skit” on YouTube. Of course, I said “no” and she told me to pull up a chair and get ready to cry. Yeah, I don’t really like to cry at work, so I was pretty resistant and was adamant that there would be no tears! Ha!
The skit was initially performed at a church in Knoxville for some youth conference in 2006 and is pretty self explanatory. I just thought the whole visual of “the struggle” was pretty powerful and wanted to share. I did NOT end up crying during the video, but I did start to tear up a little bit. It really didn’t matter because we all ended up crying anyway during Oprah’s, “Mistaken Identity” show later in the day. Sometimes we just need to let the floodgates go, even at work. Ha!
Everything Belongs 